Keeping Your Kids Drug Free
Set a good example. Consider how your actions influence your children.
Adapted from "The Bureau for At-Risk Youth"
At Risk Characteristics for Suicide, Drugs, and Alcohol Listed below are some clues that your child or child that you know may be at-risk:
If you have questions about someone with these behaviors you may contact any member of the WRAP team for further discussion.
Motivating the Unmotivated Child By James Lehman, MSW Motivating the Unmotivated ChildGetting into the back-to-school routine can be hard for everyone in the house. In the morning, parents are faced with groggy kids who won't get out of bed and get ready for school no matter how much you nag, bribe and scold. Homework time can be even worse, with nightly fights and accusations echoing off the walls of your home. So how can you get your child to be more motivated? The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated—they’re just motivated to resist you. Keep reading to find out how you can turn this negative motivation into a positive one. Q: When a child becomes unmotivated and won’t get out of bed, do homework or participate in activities, what is he trying to tell the parent through this behavior? James: When we’re talking about kids not getting out of bed, not doing their homework or school assignments or not wanting to get involved in family activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there ismotivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist. The motivation is to do things their way, not yours, and to retain power. When people feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch and withhold overall involvement because it gives them a sense of being in control. To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have power over what’s going on around him. "You have to have the courage to let him experience the natural consequences of his behavior." The child who uses resistance to control lacks both social skills and problem solving skills. It’s important to define the difference between the two. Social skills are how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, how to feel comfortable inside your own skin and how to deal with people’s kindness. Problem solving skills are the skills that help kids figure out what people want from them, how to give it, how to deal with other people’s behavior, expectations and demands. Problem solving skills are needed to help a child handle being criticized in class. Many times the real reason kids don’t want to do their homework is because they’re simply lazy about the work or they don’t want to be criticized in class and held accountable for their work. Related: Learn how to teach problem solving skills to your child. I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he’s not motivated, you have to look at what he’s accomplishing and assume that this is what he’s motivated to do. So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He’s simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you. You’ll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn’t answer, but you know he heard you. What’s that all about? That’s a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, “I don’t have to answer you if I don’t want to,” you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you. Q: As parents, we tend to respond to this unmotivated behavior by coaxing, arguing and screaming at the child. Or you just give up and do the child’s tasks for him because you don’t see another way. It doesn’t work, but it’s all you can do, it seems. James: Very often these kids are motivated by a power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents in this case is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that’s inherent in the power struggle. But if parents don’t have those other ways, then they just get locked into the power struggle. If you’re fighting day after day with a kid who won’t get out of bed, you’re never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed, then he won’t brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth he won’t comb his hair. Or he won’t wear clean clothes or he won’t do his homework. If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve the problem of authority, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve that problem appropriately. The first step in teaching kids the problem solving skills they need is to understand how they think and realize that these kids are not helpless victims. They’re simply trying to solve problems, but the way they’re solving them is ineffective, inefficient and distorted. You have to deal with this distorted attempt for control in a systemic way. To give a simplistic solution like taking away his phone or taking away his TV does not deal with the problem. It won’t work. You have to look at the whole comprehensive picture. Q: So how can parents deal with this behavior more effectively, without screaming, arguing or “overdoing” for the child? James: I think parents should avoid giving the behavior power. When you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you’re giving the resisting behavior power. I understand that parents get frustrated and yell. The point I want to make here is that it won’t solve the problem. If you’re yelling or arguing with this child over these issues, you’re giving him more power in the struggle, and you don’t want to do that. Leave the choices really clear for the child. Use “I” words. “I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.” “I want you to do your homework now.” Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn’t do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability. If the kid says, “I don’t care about the consequences,” ignore it. Telling you he doesn’t care gives him a sense of being in control and a sense of power. I would give consequences, and I don’t care if the kid doesn’t like it. If you don’t get out of bed, you shouldn’t be doing anything else. You shouldn’t get to play video games. You shouldn’t spend four hours in front of the TV. If you’re too sick to go to school, you shouldn’t be going out of the house. Those limits should be set and followed through. Related: Learn how to motivate your child with consequences that really work. I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let him experience the natural consequences of his behavior. It takes a lot of courage to step back and say, “Okay, you’re not going to do your homework, and you’re going to get the grades that reflect that.” But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don’t let the kid watch TV. You say, “Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don’t want do your homework in that time, that’s fine. But you can’t go on the computer, you can’t play games and you can’t watch TV. If you choose in that time period not to do your homework, that’ll be your choice. And if you fail, that’ll be your choice.” Along with the plan to let him experience the natural consequences of his decision, build in rewards for success, if he does make the right decision. If my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A’s and B’s. We didn’t take anything away for C; we just didn’t reward it. So my son strived to have A’s all the time. So with kids who resist, it’s important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system. Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That’s why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn’t follow you home to make sure you don’t speed anymore. He lets you go. It’s your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don’t, you’re going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later. Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class and doing homework. So when you’re interacting with a kid who appears unmotivated, remember that screaming, bargaining and doing things for him will not work. When you’re looking at this child, you have to remember, he is motivated. He’s just motivated to do something different than what you want him to do. He’s motivated to resist you. So the more power you put into it, the stronger his resistance gets. We don’t argue with kids because when we argue with them, we give them power. Focus on making that behavior powerless and give the consequences that you can give so that there’s accountability.
The Aim of Discipline is to Promote Positive Learning
Discipline Do’s Be Realistic: Parents should expect behavior according to a child’s age, physical, mental and emotional development. Let the Punishment Fit the Misbehavior: Don’t over-react. The punishment should never be bigger than the “wrong” it is Meet Your Child’s Basic Needs: Parents remember that food, sleep, medical care and love are necessary for a child’s growth and well-being. Be Fair: Identify child and family responsibility for the problem. Never allow a child to carry the burden of a problem alone, when other family members are part of the cause too. Teach Children to Think and Learn From Mistakes: Parents should provide information about why behavior is right or wrong.
Discipline Don’t’s
Don’t Discipline in Anger: If your anger is too strong, take time-out, leave the child’s area, then come back ready to “deal” and give your child positive instructions. Don’t Use Profane of Foul Names towards your Child: Parents who call children foul names create very negative feelings in children. To be humiliated and degraded, by those who are supposed to love you, is worse than the humiliation by an uncaring person who does not claim to love you. Don’t Use Violence in Place of Instruction: Parents who use violence against children teach children to respond or obey only to violence and to deal with others violently. We must never teach our children to believe that violence toward them is deserved. Don’t Set Rules That You Are Not Prepared to Enforce: Parents waste time by setting rules that they don’t enforce. If parent’s don’t follow through on rules, children will learn that rules can be ignored.
Remember… The goal of discipline is instruction, not blame or punishment. Parents should use discipline wisely, be consistent and communicate with children. Children are our “Work of Art” our “Reward of Life”
THE 12 ABSOLUTELY WORST WAYS TO DISCIPLINE
How to Communicate with Your Teen Listed below are several steps to help you communicate with your teen during times that it seems like an alien stole your child. Declaration of Independence Adolescence is about struggle for identity and independence but the teen still needs to be reassured at home and conforming with their peers. Teens may fight the leash that some parents have on them, while they also take comfort in it. One suggestion is to lengthen the tether, but to stay involved and step in sooner rather than later when freedoms are abused. In the Heat of the Moment During an argument it is suggested that the parent try to repeat what the teen is saying in a slow measured tone. Hopefully, the teen will begin to listen at the speed your talking and feel validated. Help my teen is an alien! Do not start with the common opening lines of "In my day" or "When I was your age..." the point is we do not know what it is like to be a teenager today. None of us had the technology or ability to communicate at our fingertips the way todays teens do. We also did not have the pressures that they face. Therefore the best thing you can do as a parent is to look them in their eyes and listen. Try to see the situation from their point of view. Be a parent, not a pal Parenting is not a popularity contest. Don't be afraid for your child not to like you for a time over words you say to them or rules you enforce. Mix criticism with praise, be respectful, and do not dismiss your teen's feelings as silly or senseless. Let go of guilt Parents of out-of-control teens are often put-down leading to them feeling guilty. It should be okay to struggle as a parent. Most parents are trying to do their best.